I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
