You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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