my phone needs a breathalizer
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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