I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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