This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
