I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
