I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
