its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We left an ass print on the piano.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
