My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
