I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
