Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
