I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what day is it and did you see me today?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
