just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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