i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
