Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
