you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
How naked do you want me to be?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
