R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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