you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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