If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
