I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
