I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
