wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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