i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
