Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
