the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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