does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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