How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
