dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
