I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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