Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
