I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
