1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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