life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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