when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
