Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
