What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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