this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
