Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
