I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
