in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
