I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
