Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
