and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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