her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
