Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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