theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
