And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
