i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Randomize
