she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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