do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
