The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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