I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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