I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
