I think i peed on brittanys purse
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
