What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
