It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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